I’m very sorry to hear of the passing of Emi… I never forget strong えみちゃん If you need us,we’ll be here!
-messages from friends and family
I’m very sorry to hear of your loss. Little Emi looked げんきon your photo‥ It must be very difficult for you and Shelby. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
-messages from friends and family
April 4, 2014 was one one whirlwind of a day that ended with one of our greatest joys entering our lives. My daughter, Emi Moreau, was born.
Because of rapidly progressing pre emclampsia, IUGR, low aminotic fluid and a “strange” placenta, Emi was born through emergency c-section at 26 weeks. She was measuring small at 450g and the size of a 22 week bean.
April 9th, 2014 that same great joy, just as unexpected as she entered, exited our lives.
“Wednesday April 9th at 4:40 pm we lost Emi. During a routine changing of tubes she suffered some blood loss which wouldn’t clot. The NICU doctors tried to resuscitate her but her little body just wasn’t strong enough to handle the trauma. She died in our arms. The doctors and nurses all said she was “powerful” she fought hard and she was stable so this was unexpected even to the NICU staff We want to thank you for all your support, encouragement and for sharing in our joy however brief it was. This has been the hardest pain Shelby and I have ever had to endure and it will take some time for us to recover, please be patient with us during this time. ”
“It is with a heavy heart that I have to share that Emi died in our arms yesterday afternoon.
She was doing well but some liquid was found in her breathing tube and during a routine tube change she suffered some blood loss that would not clot. It was a domino effect from there. They attempted resuscitation but it failed. The doctors at the NICU are amazing but sometimes things just do not go the way we want them.
Thank you for all the support, love and positive energy. I ask that you keep sending them as we take this time to grieve and eventually heal”
I hope that this blog will not only help me come to terms with what happened while also allowing my friends and family to read in detail what occurred, but I also hope that in sharing my journey others who have gone though the same or are going through the same will not feel so alone. Let’s be honest, no pregnancy book or website ever prepares you for the loss of your little one. It feels like they avoid it completely because hey no one wants to hear about that stuff, unfortunately by doing so we feel isolated and abandoned. Let me reassure you. You are not alone.
So on October 30th of this year I was working late into the night making some last minute costumes for my husband and I. We were going to help out at my ESS club (English Speaking Society) with their Halloween party and then head over to the University to go to the Outdoor Life’s Halloween party organized by our friend who teaches there.
As I quietly worked on the costume, Shelby had gone to bed, I found myself thinking about various things and finally got hung up on my late period. (Exciting I know….) I had taken a pregnancy test a week earlier but it was negative, I felt frustrated, because I was over a week late and nothing. I finished the costume and in my somewhat groggy state decided to take the pregnancy test. Impatient to get it over with I just did what I heard over and over on tv and movies… just pee on the stick. Turns out I did it wrong, I was suppose to pee in a cup first thing in the morning… not on the stick at some god forsaken time of night. Regardless I got a faint line. I was excited, doubtful and scared, I mean I just did everything I was not suppose to do with this test. I decided to go to bed and try again in the morning.
Morning came and the first thing I did, properly this time, was to retake the test. Faint second line. It still counts right? I got ready for work as usual but with a bit more of a bounce to my step. My plan was to tell Shelby as soon as he woke up however he didn’t wake up so I went to wake him before I went to work. Perhaps “morning Shelby, I’m pregnant, see you” was not the best way to break it to him, especially seeing as the next time we will get to talk in private wouldn’t be until later that night after all the parties. Poor guy.
On the 3rd of November I took another test. I mean you got to be sure about these things right? Two strong lines. Really pregnant. On the 5th I roped in my very pregnant friend (one month away from giving birth pregnant) Takako and her mad Japaneses skills to accompany me to the doctor, where I peed in a cup yet again and then got an ultra sound done. 5 weeks – 3 days pregnant.
Yup. I was pregnant.
For two weeks I lived a slight haze of oh my god I’m pregnant. Am I even mature enough to be pregnant?
My haze ended on the 25th of November when I discovered some brown spotting… back to the doctors and was slapped with a week of bed rest…. the excitement of an impromptu vacation quickly dwindled when boredom set in. The doctor said it was a threatened miscarriage, which sounds pretty scary, turns out they call any kind of bleeding a threatened miscarriage. I’m sure I could have gone there with a scape knee and be told it was a threatened miscarriage. However, in seriousness, this is when I realized why many don’t announce their pregnancy until the second trimester, anything can happen.
I scoured the internet for any info on the first trimester. Honestly I had to stop otherwise I would turn into a bundle of stressed out nerves. Everything was out to get me in the first trimester and there was a pretty good chance everything could go wrong! I shut down webMD and forced myself to think rationally. I mean really, everything on the internet is sensationalized Fox News style, just last month I thought I was going to die of cancer because I ate broccoli on a Friday and had an ingrown toe nail on Saturday.
I returned to the web with a more analytical mind. What I came out with was: If I miscarry, there is nothing I could have done to prevent it. It just means that this little bean was developing incorrectly and it is natures way of saying “not this time, lets reset and try again”. It sounds horrible yet wonderful at the same time. I decided that no matter what happened, I would accept it as natures way, nature after all has a hell of a whole lot more experience in this area than I do. I knew that I just needed to do my part, take care of myself and eat right.
I have never eaten so much fruit in my life!
I am also glad to report that morning sickness was minimal and that the most inconvenient thing that I experienced was the need to sleep at all times.
And so, this is how it began……
This is me, August 2013, before I had any clue how things would change in the follow year. 😀 The picture was taken by my wonderful husband.